The Curse of Bikini Bottom (Alt Version)

 SpongeBob and Patrick are lying down outside, all bored] 

SpongeBob: [yawns] Oh, i'm bored. 

Patrick: Hmmm. Interesting. Me too. Let's go look for something to do in Old Man Squidward's shed! 

SpongeBob: Old Man Squidward's shed?! 

Patrick: [slowly] Yyyeeeeeep! i am serious. .  [close on SpongeBob, watching Patrick] 

SpongeBob: [yawns] It would have to be an old painting or something, because it looks kind of depressing. 

Patrick: Lazy, Sponge.  

SpongeBob: Shut up.

SpongeBob and Patrick: [sneak inside] Ooohhh! [they spot Squidward's lawnmower] What's that? 

Patrick: What is it? 

SpongeBob: i don't know, Patrick. 

Squidward: [sighs] [singing] La-da-dee-la-da-dum-la-da-doo, la-da-dee-la-da-dum-la-da-doo! [as he walks towards his shed] 

SpongeBob and Patrick: [SpongeBob's pretending to drive it and Patrick is imitating it. The door is about to open] 

SpongeBob: It's Old Man Squidward! 

Patrick: Hide! [SpongeBob flies in the direction of Patrick's fort!]  

Old Man Squidward: {sings) La-da-dee-la-da-dum-la-da-doo! [he turns in the yard] 

SpongeBob and Patrick: [Grunts] Oh my.

SpongeBob: We just wanted to play with your. [looks at lawnmower and points to it] .whatever this thing is. 

Squidward: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! You morons would probably. [pauses] You want to play with my lawnmower? 

SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 

Squidward: Hmmm. [thinking] 

SpongeBob: [mowing the lawn with Patrick] Thanks for letting us mow your lawn, Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick fall into lawnmower and get cut into pieces offscreen] Ahhh! My patty flipping hand! [SpongeBob and Patrick sob] 

Squidward: It’s soooo SpongeBob!  

Stinker: Yeah.  Now that we’re finally on an island, there’s no turning back for this annoying pup.  

Squidward: But i know this is.  

Patrick: [sighs) Yeah, i know.  Even though i’m really tired, i feel so alive.

Flying Dutchman: Excuse me, Davy, i've got my first blind date in 400 years, and i've got to look good. [picks a torn shirt] It's a little torn. Of course this was the shirt i was buried in. Ahhh, memories! [sniffs it] Bleah! [coughs] Okay, that one's a bit ripe. Stained. Too itchy! Hey, there she is! i've been saving this beauty for a special occasion! [puts on coat] Sssss! Looking good! [SpongeBob and Patrick are still riding the lawnmower. The cave ceiling shakes and dirt lands on the Dutchman's clothes. He gets furious] Who dares-- [gets hit by lawnmower, part of his beard is shaven] Who-- [gets hit by lawnmower again, more of his beard is cut] --disturb-- [gets hit a third time, more of his beard is cut] --The Flying-- [gets hit a fourth time; his beard is now gone] --Dutchman?! [feels his chin, reveals a mirror, and gasps, noticing his beard is gone] My beard! [looks up, his face is the same, but the noise has somehow driven the facial hair under the bridge and down the hill where it's now growing back!]  How embarrassing!  [pouts] Ugh.  Anyway, here it is, the only thing missing.  Well, he used to go for a while.

Flying Dutchman: Hey! [gets hit by lawnmower and gets livid. He zaps the lawnmower and takes SpongeBob and Patrick off of it] Who dares disturb the Flying Dutchman?! 

SpongeBob: [stupidly] You're not the Flying Dutchman. 

Patrick: Yeah, the Flying Dutchman has a beard. 

Flying Dutchman: i don't look like the Flying Dutchman, because. [lividly enraged and shouting] You morons cut off my beard! 

SpongeBob: It's kinda hot out, isn't it?  [flirting] Who needs a beard?  

Patrick: [looking at face of the Flying Dutchman] Maybe we're just like each other.

SpongeBob: [shakes head and smiles] We're a pack of goddam wolves!  

Patrick: [soothingly] Yeah, okay.

Flying Dutchman: [zaps SpongeBob and Patrick, but they giggle] Okay, you're having too much fun. [finishes zapping them as they become ghosts] 

Patrick: [wiggles his ghostly tail] We're mermaids. 

Flying Dutchman: You're ghosts! 

SpongeBob: We're fish men.  

Flying Dutchman: Flying mermaid!  

Cut.  Cut.  Cut.  

Flying Dutchman: Okay, who can spot the difference between a fish man and a fish?  

Fishman: What the fuck?!  

Cut.  Cut.  Cut.  Cut.  Cut.  

Flying Dutchman: Yay, it's fair.

[Bubble transition to Squidward watering his garden] 

SpongeBob and Patrick: [emerging from beneath and behind Squidward. ghostly moaning voice] Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh! Squuiiidwaaarrrd! [Squidward looks behind him] 

SpongeBob: It's SpongeBob. 

Patrick: And Patrick! We're ghoooooooosts! [with SpongeBob] Ooohhhh! 

SpongeBob: We're going to haunt you! Foreeever! [with Patrick] Oooooohhh!  

Patrick: We're going to haunt you!  Foreeever!  [both laugh] This doesn't sound like a regular nightmares.  There's laughter from all sides.  

Squidward: Ow!!  Get away from me!  

Bubbles, Dreams and Dusty cloud.  Squidward looks, but doesn't see anything or anyone.  He walks toward his house with arms up as if to protect himself.  Just when he's about to enter his house, the lights go out, suddenly.  Back to.  scene 4.

Patrick: [wiggles his ghostly tail] We're mermaids. 

Flying Dutchman: You're ghosts! 

Patrick and Flying Dutchman run into a huge rock. Eddie and Billy look around the rocks.  [They hear Tonto's voice] 

Tonto: Where'd they go?  

Raven: In the water.  

Tonto: Come on boy, give it a go!  

The longhorn guard, stormtrooper(17), has their cannons.  Carnal and the two vampires dive down in to the water.  First up, each get jump-creeped.  Eddie goes for an edge.  He loses his anchor chain.  His shoes catch the water, as he rips off half of his feet.  Stormtrooper shoots a cannonball in to the water near eddie, it strikes the water mine, illuminating it's contents.  Tonto and Carnal swim toward the water mine.  There is an explosive chain reaction of explosions as the cannonball detonates the mines underneath each of them.  

Carnal: Fire in the hole!  

The water bursts into flames.  

Stormtrooper: We lost him.  

One of the longhorn guards snaps at Tonto.  Stormtrooper fires a shot into the air.  There is a huge explosion and the entire army falls to the ground.  The sea surrounding the fort is tranquil in the dawn light.

(TIME WARP)

SpongeBob: [tired] Hey, Patrick. i didn't sleep so good last night. 

Patrick: [erratic] i didn't sleep at all. i can see through my eyelids. [closes his eyes and can see through his eyes; grabs SpongeBob] My eyelids! 

SpongeBob: [gasps] i'm late for work! 

Patrick: [whispers] My eyelids. 

The robots appear, try to break SpongeBob's goblet glass, but it's empty.

SpongeBob: [whispers] Wait, wait, wait.  

The robots break a glass.  Patrick slams the goblet glass down. 

SpongeBob: i bet you wish you were this drunk.  

The robots leave.  

Patrick: [confidently] SpongeBob!  Get yourself a new crowd!  

SpongeBob: They're all pretenders.  

Patrick: Hmph!  

SpongeBob lies down on the bed and returns to sleep.  The door opens.  SpongeBob comes out of his room.  Patrick comes out of his room.  SpongeBob pats Patrick on the back and pulls him towards his bedroom.  SpongeBob carries Patrick towards the basement.  

Patrick: Wait!  

Patrick throws a small ball of toilet paper onto the toilet.  All the sensors monitor SpongeBob.  Patrick throws more.  All the sensors light up.  So does the toilet.  Flush.  Toilet paper sensors light up, they're being torn apart.  It sounds like machine gun fire and they are blown away.  SpongeBob backs up and also tries to fly.  SpongeBob turns and knocks Patrick's wheelchair.  Patrick screams.  He slams into the wall.  SpongeBob's hand hits the floor as the machine gun holds it on.  SpongeBob turns and goes in Patrick's room.  The machine gun is gone.  The door is slowly closed.  boom boom boom.  boom.

[Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab] 

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, i'm here! 

Harold: [walks by, gets scared of SpongeBob, seeing him as a ghost, and runs out of The Krusty Krab. screams] Ahh! Mermaid! [spongebob changes back to being a ghost after the Krusty Krab has gone] 

SpongeBob: My ghost is back!  

Then a big hand suddenly pulls him back in, towards one of the many seals.  He falls, followed by hisses and yips.  And though his voice and movements all have the same clunky, almost robotic garble, we hear the voice of an "old man", the grungy raspy sound of a crusty old man with a golden beard and "a whale's teeth" lisp.  The raspy old man in this scene is also the voice we will eventually get to hear in the horror-embrace following.  angle on one of the leather-bound treasure rooms: On an adjoining wall we see a door labeled "Last Treasure Room.  i hope that's all you're looking for.  Sheriff clover has set a stack of souvenirs.

SpongeBob: [goes through kitchen door] La la la la! [grabs the spatula, but it falls through his hand; picks it up, whistles, and breaks it, revealing its spirit; uses it to pick up a Krabby Patty, but it falls through; SpongeBob begins to struggle picking up the patty, but it burns, and disappears; SpongeBob begins to cry] i can't cook Krabby Patties! i don't wanna be a ghost anymore, Patrick! i don't wanna be some burden that causes problems for.  

SpongeBob goes into the kitchen and uses all his strength to pop up and turn on the lights.  The room is still in complete darkness.  SpongeBob, in complete darkness, looks around.

Patrick: i don't either. i can't eat anything! Food just goes right through me! [eats a Krabby Patty, but it falls through him] 

Mr. Krabs: Then get your Captain's Quarters in the kitchen! 

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, old living employeer! [flies through Mr. Krabs and into the kitchen, leaving Mr. Krabs covered in slime] 

Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Bleah! / Yuck! 

Patrick: Maybe the weird hairless man will change us back? 

SpongeBob: Yeah! Let's go see the Fly Ball Pit!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are back to normal and lying on the ground] 

SpongeBob: Well, here we are several months later. i wonder how the Fly got us.  [Patrick is standing up]