Ink Lemonade (Alt Version)

 [The episode begins with Patrick riding on his chair at the lemonade stand until he stops.] 

Patrick: [laughing] Lemonade?  

Teen Patrick: Don’t stand in the way of disaster.  

An earthquake rumbles.  The lemonade turns into warm lemonade.  That warmth melts Patrick.  He falls into the pitcher.  

Relief: Yes.

a soft, light vibrates inside his body.  Patrick melts, and he falls again.  If it was wrong to do that, how come we didn’t know about it, why did he do that, why am i always getting melted, destroyed? .  Will it ever end?!  Will i be crushed and disintegrated and forced out into the wilderness in the night, finally done?  Or will i just melt down into the sperm and maternity of Adam’s body and become completely squirreled and useless? .  Oh god i can’t wait to have my own son!  Who will watch and feel better than my mom and father and sister who died! .  Will it ever end?!  a tongue entwines with it.  The tongue is in pain.  In agony.  How can he still do this?  And the answer: in order to know that this too will pass.  These moments are so long they can be literally minutes long.  Then a light begins to appear: With the young sperm surrounded by oil and spots, Patrick begins to shine.  He turns into an angel, and sparks fly!  All around him, sperm-like angels emerge.  This is like the Old Testament/Parallel Universe version of him creating life.  It’s just glorious.  Lighting.  Spirits.  He’s just magically illuminating and causing things to happen like they always do.  Holy awesome!  a man, attache lemond soir, the half-brother of Patrick is coming out to play the game.  Attache goes (an American show) For a time!  The Angels swarm the Babe Brother and wrestle him and the Attache apart.  Patrick bows to the crowd.  High school high school type stuff begins.  Did i just say that?!  Oh my god that’s what a back slap sounds like!  Wow.  This is the first time Patrick’s been placed in an episode of "accident".  Horn blasts.  Student dances (sometimes Patrick and his team).  The Lizzie, tv show bbc commentator finishes his monologue.  Silent Bob and the studio are outraged.  Dangling flames dance on the mouthpiece, literally moving toward him!  He hops up out of the way as it slowly arrives. Squidward comes out carrying a bag of trash and goes to put it near the curb. Patrick waves at Squidward in a goofy fashion.] 

Squidward: Yuck

Patrick: Yuck [Patrick points on the pitcher and Squidward growls angrily. Patrick drinks the water and eats the glass.] 

Squidward: [groans] What are you doing?  [They go into a cave and exit revealing a web between the walkways.  Finally, they run into the Monster-Busters gang.  They turn around] 

Squidward: Wait wait, so where's the web? 

Patrick: [yells through megaphone] Lemonade.[swings over Squidward with a tablecloth over his body] tablecloth! 

Squidward: [pulls his nose and eyes back out from his head] Thanks for reminding me why i hate you. Lemonade!  

Patrick:  tablecloth!  Lemonade!  You idiot!  

At the war monument.  As Kubler walks to the monument he sees everyone around him firing at the aliens.  Kubler: i know what they want.  Everyone seems to be locked in a bloody brawl.  Lemonade comes up behind Kubler.

Squidward: [takes out a rotten lemon and throws it in Patrick's eye] Here. Don't say i never gave you anything. [Patrick's eye burns] Sorry it's a little bruised. [laughs] [Patrick lifts up his left arm, pulls out a bandage from his armpit and puts it on the rotten lemon.] 

Patrick: All better. [puts the rotten lemon in the pitcher full of water] 

Squidward: Yuck.  [squidward walks away from Patrick] But if there was any part of me that wasn't in love with you i'm too old.

[The scene changes to Squidward shaving the hair out of his nostrils with the razor. Patrick is still sitting outside at his lemonade stand with the rotten lemon in the pitcher.] 

Patrick: [yells through two megaphones] Lemonade tablecloth! [Squidward screams a spray of lemonade on Patrick and then runs off, leaving Patrick alone. The patio is covered with orange leaves. The plug comes out and Squidward falls on the floor. Outside, Cara drinks the pitcher of Patrick's "lemonade".] 

Cara: [after drinking the pitcher] Ahh.

Patrick: [he's drinking well.]  

Squidward: i think i had a heart attack.  

Cara: [drinks and starts sobbing.  Patrick stops.]

[Cara gags and sticks his tongue out with the bandage on it] 

Patrick: Oh! [removes the bandage from Cara's tongue] 

Cara: Huh? 

Patrick: [puts the bandage back on his armpit] Sorry, that's not included. 

Cara: [gags] i'm gonna be sick.  [she starts running out the room] 

Patrick: Uh huh, me too.

SpongeBob: [sneaks up behind Squidward and screams through megaphone] One fire truck lemonade tablecloth! [Squidward screams and sprays ink out from his mouth]

Patrick: Here you go. 

SpongeBob: Yum! [SpongeBob drinks the ink. He gasps and shrieks while distorting his face. He stops and stares in silence for a bit.] 

SpongeBob: [his mouth, tongue, and teeth are all black] That's awesome!  

SpongeBob: Just wanted to say, it’s kind of fun.  

Patrick: It is? 

SpongeBob: Isn’t it?  

Patrick: Kind of.  

SpongeBob: [hopefully] So what do you say?  

Patrick [nervous]: i don't know.  

SpongeBob: [opens his mouth and sighs] Okay.  [Patrick laughs and becomes excited.  Patrick shakes SpongeBob.]  

Patrick: [to SpongeBob] Look, i'd just like to.

Lady: Hello! What are you selling? 

Patrick: [yells through megaphone] Lemonade tablecloth! 

SpongeBob: [yells through megaphone] Black lemonade tablecloth! 

Patrick: Keep moving!  Lemonade tablecloth!  

SpongeBob: Keep moving!  

Blaster shot: Patrick as he walks towards SpongeBob.  Black bar in the background.  

Patrick: Ah!  Quick! [Patrick gives the lady a glass of black lemonade. She drinks it and, just like what happened to SpongeBob, she gasps and shrieks. She goes up and goes back down. She shrinks and disappears. She reappears blowing fire out from her mouth. She stops and exhales deeply until she calms down.] 

Lady: [yells through megaphone] Black lemonade tablecloth! a unique taste sensation! i'll have another. [slurps] [Patrick goes to give some more to the lady, but the pitcher is empty.] 

Patrick: Huh? SpongeBob, cover for me while i go get some more. 

SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. [Patrick grabs the pitcher, goes to the front door of Squidward's house and knocks on it. Squidward answers it with his nose clogged up with tissues.] 

Squidward: What do you want? 

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob!  

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, i didn't realize that you wanted to talk to the lady.

Patrick: i'll just have to scare the ink out of him! [rips his skin to show his jaw, trachea, heart, lungs, and intestines and knocks on the door] 

Squidward: [answers the door] i said i will not—[gasps] 

Patrick's intestine: May i borrow a cup of squid squeezings? [Patrick's appearance scares Squidward out of his wits. As he screams, he sprays more ink from his nose and into the pitcher until it is full.] 

Patrick: [laughs] You're all over this house!  [holds up a picture of a certain squid that he got at a pet store].  

Squidward: For goodness' sake, will you shut up!  You're scaring the customers! 

[Patrick runs back to the lemonade stand and gives SpongeBob the pitcher of Squidward's ink.] 

SpongeBob: Ooh, i think you'd better get some more black lemonade, buddy. [gives Patrick two empty pitchers] 

Patrick: Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, more. [The scene changes to Patrick at Squidward's front door.] 

Patrick: Here, kitty kitty. Oh, here, kitty kitty. Oh, who's a good kitty? [a giant red sea spider comes crawling by. Patrick opens the door and makes it wide enough for the spider to enter. Squidward is sitting on the couch listening to music on the phonograph. He goes to put another record on the phonograph. While doing so, the spider takes the record and Squidward puts its claw on the other record. The spider's claw makes the record sound terrible.] 

Squidward: Huh? Hmm? [looks up and sees the giant spider; he screams] i hate spiderman!  

The spider takes the record and puts the claw on the other record and he begins screaming in diabolical rage.  He throws the racket on the couch and walks out of the room.  [Squidward and Ann come out of the room to see SpongeBob and Patrick screaming at the squiddie.]  

Spongieboh: aah! [Squidward sprays ink out of his nose again. The ink sprays into Patrick's pitchers until they're full. Squidward climbs up the wall and crawls through the hole on the ceiling. He sprays more ink out from his nose and fills two more of Patrick's pitchers.] 

Patrick: [on the spider's head; clicks his tongue] Hyah! [Squidward cowers behind a chair and whimpers.] 

Patrick: [slides off the spider's back] Boo. [Squidward screams and sprays more ink out from his nose until all the ink is filled.  He's about to run away, then stops.]  

Patrick [from above; looking down at the pitcher]: Wooah!  My.  Punters are empty now.  [After a few more attempts, it's obvious that Squidward has been successful.]  

Patrick [staring down at the pitcher]: Oooh!  [Suddenly, the pitcher's pencil falls out of the pitcher's pen onto Patrick's lap.]  

Patrick: i missed the sign.  i should've gone left.  [He tries to get the pen back from the floor, but is unable to.  There's a click and the pen is back in the pen.]  

Anabel: Quick!

Squidward: Please! No! [Patrick closes the door and goes to the lemonade stand. He gives the pitchers to SpongeBob.] 

Patrick: Oh? [sees a long line of customers] Oh. What? i got to get more black lemonade tablecloth! [Squidward screams a sprays more ink out from his forearm.]  [Patrick looks down at SpongeBob] Fuzzy!  [Pattie whips the book, he readies to stab SpongeBob with his book, then hands Patrick a towel.]  [Patrick holds the towel up to the characters with a worried expression on his face] Whah!?  Whah!?  [a hairy gasping of people, Patrick hands the towel to Squibbles and then his book back to him.]  

Chowstuff: Patrick! [The scene changes back inside Squidward's house. The kitchen is a complete mess from all of the ink. Squidward comes out from the sink drain and looks around. He hears a sound and hides again. This time, he comes out from the bottom cabinets.] 

Squidward: Is it gone? [hears a clanging sound] What was that? Is someone there? [grabs a pan] Hello? Who is it? [hears the doorbell ring and hides under the rug] [Squidward peeks out from under the rug. Patrick continues to ring the bell. Squidward tiptoes to the door and slowly answers the door.] 

Squidward: Hello? [The door slams itself shut, leaving Squidward locked outside. Squidward tries to open it to go back in, but it wouldn't budge. The lights turn on. Squidward turns around and finds himself in a haunted themed area made by Patrick himself.] 

Squidward: [whimpering] i've lost it. i can't tell what's real anymore! [Patrick scares Squidward with a toy worm and a toy snail under his feet. The toy snail makes Squidward flip over and fall on the ground.] 

Patrick: Boo! i'm a haunted. Just like you.  [crashes into something in the background and gets up] That was scary.  It's all an illusion, right?  That's what those noises were, illusion.  [toys up another ghost by Patrick's feet] i'll prove it! 

Patrick: Boo! i'm a haunted.[swings over Squidward with a tablecloth over his body] tablecloth! [Squidward screams a sprays more ink out from the desk centimeters away from his face.]  

Squidward: Help!  No, stop it!  Don't do it again!  

Patrick: i won't.  i won't.  This place is haunted.  i'm telling you this isn't.  [Tears up again and tears up a picture of Patrick to reveal a Patrick doll under the bed]. .  under the bed!  This Patrick doll scares my last one!  Do you think this Patrick doll scares me?  [takes Patrick doll and buries it in the backyard. Squidward runs up the stairs while spraying ink in more cups and bowls laid out by Patrick. He runs into a spooky baby's room with creepy music playing in the background.] 

Squidward: Not creepy nursery rhyme music! [Squidward hears a creaking sound in the crib behind him. He looks in the crib and sees Patrick wearing a creepy baby costume while having a nose similar to Squidward's.] 

Patrick: Dad's in the house.  [looks under the bed to see a pile of Patrick outfits and other things Patrick has kept all these years] Daddy's in the house.  [tiptoes back to the front door while still spraying ink out of the area near the door.  When he gets close to the door, Patrick doll appears right in front of him.]  

Patrick: i'm back from work.  [makes his way down the stairs] i'll prove it.  i swear. [Squidward screams and sprays more ink out from his noggin.  Patrick shoots Squidward to the ground.]  

Patrick: i've got to go.  [looks in the hallway toward the back door.] .  and i know where dad is.  [tries the same door, but it won't open.  Pause.]  My other van.  It's on the roof.  i'll drive over and open the door.  [Patrick doll still on the floor.]  Please.  It's been raining all morning and i have to get out and i don't have the key to open the door, so i think i should just leave it there.  [Patrick pushes a button and: The door opens.]  [He's holding the key for fear of locking the door.  At the same time, he hears The Scream from the kitchen.  He checks his watch.]  [He hears Patrick's scream, then looks at the gate and: Patrick springs at him.  Patrick stabs Patrick with a screwdriver.  blood sprays Patrick's face from Patrick's wound.  He yells and stabs Patrick again.  More blood.  But he did not kill him.]  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  [And Patrick dies in Patrick's arms.] [Squidward falls to the ground and sees a spooky but crudely version of the Krusty Krab in front of him.] 

Squidward: The Krusty Krab? How did i wind up here? i don't think i want to go in. [a newspaper falls on him; he gasps as he reads it] This newspaper is dated 60 years into the future. [The conveyor belt underneath him moves and it takes him inside.] 

Squidward: [covers his eyes] i can't look! i'm afraid to see. Please, no. [Squidward looks up and sees a puppet version of his old futuristic self in his workstation.] 

Puppet Squidward: Ah. .  and this is all worth it.  To know we are insignificant and unimportant.  

Puppet Squidward: The Krusty Krab was to become "Seamless".  Everything one had thought were unnecessary had been unnecessary.  Hmmmm.  i like that.  (In truth he would rather die) [Squidward's nose becomes a faucet and he screams the ink out of himself. Patrick, who is operating the old Squidward puppet, reacts with a "whoopee" as he shoves Squidward back and forth on the coals.]  [a miniature Picasso bust and a stylized Squidward puppet are floating about the room.  ]  [Under the pretense that Patrick is working on the painting we see that it's him who's sketched Squidward in the u.s.s. Doom in the Pacific but it looks very, very familiar.  Then he finds the time and light source and begins painting a direct-picture of the painting, free of his more dramatic subject.  As he's painting, a copy of 60 years into the future newspaper falls on his image.]  [They pull him out and dump him out on the street.] 

Patrick: [comes out with a boat load of Squidward's ink] Yeah, wait your turn like everybody else. 

Squidward: What? Black lemonade? You've been selling this as a refreshment? 

SpongeBob and Patrick: [yells through megaphones] Yes! - The ratmobile!  - Squidward's super weird vanity pet!  Good one, Squidward.  We get you something even better: picka squid!  

Squidward: (quietly) Oh yes.  Picka Squid.  vwammm!  We have just seen the famous end of the jalopy.  Another gallery of photos flash on the screen like a slide show.  We move among a row of cars.  each one with a different number of vehicles.  a long shot of a rumble of cars.  People scream.  We see sirens and sirens of police cars.  Two images: two couples.  We see one in love.  The other is crying as he holds her hand.  

Mrs. Lemonade: Stop crying!  

Picky Love: Why?  No, i'm not crying.  / i'm teary-eyed!  

Mrs. Lemonade pulls Picky away and then sits him on a dog bed in front of the tv.  

Mrs. Lemonade: Now, the rest of you, get back in your seats.  

Sirens.  Camera pulls back through the row of cars to reveal an ocean of burning garbage scattered across the street.  One car (e) continues to pull in the parking lot.  The entire other side of the street.  In the distance, Squidward's sounded truck begins pulling away in the distance.  The rest of the vehicles pull away from the burning front lawn.  The dark stockyards of Nobu.  Black metal grinds into our hearts.  Oooh, that's rich, mad, hideous.  But there's no way to really capture that atmosphere on screen.  Instead, we get Beethoven's Choral Mass in b Minor.  And as we hear the eerie end of something, i want to think about all those little fish swimming onto that beautiful lake. 

SpongeBob: Yeah, say hello to our new partner. [shows the giant red spider to Squidward] Mildred, you've met Squidward. [Squidward screams as Mildred's babies crawl out of his mouth and sprays more ink out from his sphincter]